OR, WHAT EVER AM I GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE

OR

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Four  years later the dust was well settled – so solidified its almost a rock (dare I say this?) and it’s time to edit the notes  I’ve made along the way and hopefully make something legible out of them.

Whatever it may be, I would  like to tell about the effect it has had on me.  Maybe these insights would come in handy for others who shall one day be confronted by this immensely life changing event:  maybe it could help make the transition less egregious, or more tenable or more palatable, or perhaps help  make the adjustment easier for somebody. This would make my narration  worthwhile which would please me.

AND MY STORY.  I hope you find it as fascinating/informative/and as much of learning experience, yes, a journey” as I have.    

Before I do anything, I’d like to take a moment to discuss a subject which has been near and dear to me for some time;    DESTINATION.

I’d like to equate it with retirement.  Sounds like a given to me.

It came up as a statement made by my Cardiologist so it was obviously meant as a serious  philosophical approach to the question  of life. He stated to me that life is a journey not a destination.   Yah, it’s an old saw and often repeated but in this context I chose to think of it in a more personal context and as such,  how very interesting  a subject this was.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about it in search of   the essence, meaning and implications of the word. I simply could not make any sense of it as a declaration for designing  one’s life style.  When I started writing about travel the meaning jumped up and hit me in the face;  as  a reference to travel and tourism I felt it became absolutely appropriate and clear to me.  Not so meaningful with reference to ones life. The word Destination contains for me the image of a concrete and objective , an end.  ..  That would work fine for travel(therefore the journey)but for a life, not so much.  The implicatin of end not so good… too final, too much like death

   How about “life’s next chapter”?  as being a less direly final a euphemism.  I discovered this in a Washington Post article by Karen Heller which appeared June 29   in her article on Ashville, NC.  She was voicing the opinion that it was attracting a great many older people consequently taking on  the reputation of being a retirement community. Obviously it would be preferred that it  be promoted by the use of a  more positive slant so there we have it:  “life’s next chapter”.  That is so succinctly a wonderfully positive slogan.  So,  here we are again with the same conclusion I came to earlier,  “Forget the Destination”.  Amen.

(FYI: A lot of the thoughts and impressions I’ve come up with are encompassed in my travel essays which are contained in my blog:  nerickson57.com (I mention this a lot.  Just like what the Washingtoon Post does with Jeffrey Bezos.  We’re anxious to get the message across). 

I had not one iota of an idea of what I was getting in to.  It was never a topic of conversation anywhere in my environment.  Not on my radar.   I didn’t know a soul who had retired – well, at least I had no acquaintances or friends who had done so.  No family examples; my parents, no.  My father never officially retired, he became sorrowfully redundant not once, but twice:  the first time was due to  a change of administration,  and the other was due to a change in management.  My husband?  That’s odd – I don’t remember anything  official or even much happening. My friends were mostly my age or younger, so no experience to share there. I was clueless.

And I have always asserted  I wasn’t big on flexibility or brave in the face of change:  Huh!   I must have missed something:    an ounce of sense perhaps?

Unfortunately I suspect retirement is not always an ideal arrangement nor essentially the best objective for many.  A lot of people retire and seem to lose all purpose and impetus in life and just fade away or fall through the cracks.   do not retire.  I don’t think you should retire unless that was/is your goal In life (HOW SAD).  Some never get there. – and must have a rotten job, or life, or you have become physically challenged at least some extenuating circumstance.

A major impediment  to the assumption or consideration of the idea of retiring on my part was the fact I was privy to a long term and pervasive worry, one that hung over me like a dark cloud,  involving the question  of any formalities or so called celebrations which might be involved and  I was not alone with this fear;  I shared it with a number of colleagues.  We had all been involved in Big Celebrations and we were distinctly not enchanted.  I do think that had a very negative effect on our thinking.  I remember being disturbed by this whole scenario and figuring there was a good chance I could never retire if I thought I would have to be submitted to this bit of salutary ritual. I for one, wanted nothing what so ever to do with any such thing? I am not dedicated to rituals and I possess a perfect horror of parties. So it’s not surprising that  a retirement ceremony wasn’t for me.  How   could we manage to retire without having to undergo the business of a party?

 Well, in the final analysis I did manage to evade this issue, and quite handily,   thank goodness.  But things have been going pretty much downhill ever since. As time passed I became more and more aware of the negative exigencies which retiring could contain. So now I’ve got the accumulated exigencies to tell about… that’s fine.

 WHY IT HAS BEEN SO HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT?    

I have sensed an attitude  in the past of “congratulations, you made it ”relative to the occasion of retiring.  That gave me the impression that a primary motivation of the retiree  was that they would be given the opportunity “to do what entertained” them – could this mean even  taking on a hobby, or perhaps even considering it as a goal? This is not one of my values.

Did I say “hobby”?  But, that’s exactly what I was doing. The library is what I like to do, what entertains me. What’s more, much of the thirty five years I was there was spent declaring that the library was my “PAID HOBBY”; there is no doubt that was a fact.  At home, where one is meant to do all of that “what you’ve always wanted to do” stuff, is where,  as a professed professional artist, I actually  am forced  to WORK.    HARD WORK. What’s more for all that effort there was very little monetary return.    All of which adds up to the fact that I am escaping at the library, and also incidentally being paid to do it.  That sounds pretty optimal to me.

 

I must hasten to add at this point, as it is such a large part of my story, that I was at the library not as a professional librarian but as part of the support staff.  It is for this reason that I could so glibly claim it as my “hobby”.

 

 

 

Also In regard to the library and retiring;   I had finally achieved what I judged to be a  desired level of equanimity.   It took 35 years to make it but I actually felt in control, secure, appreciated for my presence and for the job I did.  Maybe it wasn’t quite that simple, but almost. Actually this might be considered the optimal moment to quit  -when you are ahead?  (Ok, not always).

Surely the natural momentum from birth is to move forward – not backward.  I figure this whole concept of retirement must be a cultural invention and is not natural.  I always said I’d have to go out feet first.  To me the major endeavor in life had always been self- improvement, life enhancement and accomplishment, to become the best at whatever you do. Not to get there and fall off the edge of the earth,  not just to quit one day. That whole process strikes me as being rather abortive and actually negative.  There are many objectives but I don’t think any of them was to QUIT. What’s more, I can’t accept the attitude that retirement is a goal.  Boy, that whole idea just  bugged me. Retired says aimless to me.  The implication of  finishing ie retiring,  that’s the crux of the problem for me.  All your life has been spent refining/upgrading/improving/learning/developing GETTING BETTER and BOOOOOMMMM! All that achievement/knowledge is for nothing .  Every step I think should be  a positive step forward but no more!  Doesn’t make sense.–no wonder I felt bewildered. 

On another more immediate level,  my day had always been  planned out for me, no questions asked.  Just do it.  Suddenly I’m stuck with designing my own priorities and schedules.  I’m not used to having to be totally self-motivated(obviously with my art I am but this is a horse of a different color).  My primary involvements Library/home did that job for me. For years I simply performed my duties as assigned:   It was very easy:  no big decisions required. 

Suddenly I’m a nonperson.  This is darned Traumatic, and just what Ares love most…(I’m being sarcastic).

 All this “aging” stuff isn’t so hot either.

WORK offered me the opportunity to hide from reality:  It was kind of like a womb.  Personal problems (the bad kind) were at home. I could hide from nagging parents, hide from insidious demands on my time, it was a respectable and accepted excuse for not doing things I did not want to do, furthermore, it gave me no time to obsess over unpleasantness.  It was a GREAT ESCAPE.  Now I’m unprotected, vulnerable and unprepared.

 RETIREMENT meant  EXPOSURE.

It offered me the capacity/capability  to  keep social involvement at a minimum. I had plenty of what was for me satisfying interaction with people almost all day as desk work in the library was of that sort and I loved it. It is unfortunate that this human interaction was primarily impersonal a fact I hate to admit but I must.  I admit  I could hide behind the desk and basically just be an audience or an onlooker - like the work. May sound kind of antisocial and maybe being antisocial isn’t  so good,  but as an artist  that’s the type of arrangement  I needed in the first place as it permitted me time to paint.

At any rate, I have time to deal with this kind of thinking:  no one to talk to.  Perhaps if I did I’d get it off my chest rather than on paper.  Would that be better?  Too much time to introspect – result verbal diarrhea.  What am I going to do with it all?  This is an excellent opportunity to get myself into a state of frustration with the computer (I’ll say).  I’m not going anywhere and I’m not doing anything- not as good as it looks.  the computer has taken over my life – positive terms.  I’m reminded here of all that I have done  - and it’s been lots.  I must not forget that.

  At home I have the freedom to sit at the counter and obsess/worry with no time obligations. At work I had to FUNCTION.  And dammit, I no longer have that defense.

In this era of loss of patrons and consequently loss of funds there has been a distinct threat of the necessity to fire staff - One way to effect budget deficits are redundancies – get rid of people.  Sam says 42% of library work force is eligible for retirement, and  doesn’t he wish they would?  Well, I did my bit.

Uh oh…. Another downer.  why bother to get up (not good). Could the idea of a Perpetual Holiday or Vacation  have possibilities? I sure doubt it.

Aimless, yes.  Add to that an even more succinctly negative thought:    Friday at tea I was venting about my goalless, apparently aimless condition.  The reaction of my retired friends;  they offered to me the suggestion  that they get on with their life by  what sounds to me like creating “make work” (and with that comes the myriad lists).  This concept sounded sad to me:this couldn’t be  an entirely satisfactory solution.  Today I’m looking at the newspaper cartoons CARTOONS!   And I’m horrifyingly made more aware:  there are a whole lot of things humans do that could assuredly be considered just that…..”MAKE WORK”.  Do we draw a line, or not?

Which leads me in to the question of WORK ETHIC.  No argument that in the presence of aimless and uncommitted time this element is a self imposed, self inflicted  Pain in the neck, a distinct handicap, restrictive I am however slightly handicapped by having this built in work ethic.

  To put it another way, it’s an encumbering inconvenience.  There seems to be a little voice inside me which nags me to keep up with what it decrees to be my quota of accomplishments.  if I don’t move and do something I become very uncomfortable and even guiltridden until I give in, locate a convenient task to do,  and do it.  The size of the effort doesn’t seem to matter however:  the bigger and more worthwhile the job the less objectionable is the interruption.

  I must be a victim because there is no denying that almost everything I do or care to do all tend to be on the order of work, or are work oriented.  There should surely be no reason that one shouldn’t feel free to spend time doing something   which has no measurable outcome, is free of goals or rewards or payback and without feeling the need to have to accomplish something.

 I suppose to the end one has to develop one’s own balance, sense of purpose, satisfaction in performance, etc.    I suppose it can be considered like anything else; it is what you make it, it’s your option, it’s up to you.   This objective undoubtedly takes discipline.  It’s far too easy to fall into empty space.    This actually is an ideal arrangement for an artist.  It was not having that benefit that  resulted in producing less time committing therefore less involved projects. This was most notable when it came to any serious art projects.

It doesn’t help much I that I quit smoking and drinking martinis  and took on a serious weight consciousness  simultaneously.  ALL AT THE SAME TIME.    (I’m an Ares, we seriously never do anything small).

THE BOTTOM LINE HERE: OVERCOMING ALL THESE EXIGENCIES INVOLVES A GREAT DEAL OF ADJUSTMENT.  We’ll get to that later.

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A RUNNING COLLECTION OF RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT AS ACCUMULATED OVER FOUR YEARS.

I feel that some people have actually earned retirement:  they deserve it.    May actually strongly anticipate, plan and desire it – not me.

As I have so often repeated: this was my hobby I was retiring from and this is not even to mention all the benefits that were offered to me in this position.  This was essentially a very good deal in the first place:  the hours were reasonable, there was no commuting to speak of, I was surrounded with all of my favorite things:  peace, quiet and  books, with an objective I emphatically believe in and encourage,was dedicated to the dissemination of a message I was totally dedicated to,( information and knowledge),  a brilliant variety of copacetic people , and probably even most important I was not dependent on the income.  I feel somewhat guilty by all this. I was an overt but equally apologetic dependent, basically a stay at home mom which is such a rare occurrence currently.  Whatever.  You do what you have to do. And how could it be better for me?  I’m sorry to think there are a lot of unfortunate people who may be locked in to jobs which are stressful, boring, monotonous, and demanding and this doesn’t begin to recognize the usual presence of a horrific commute. 

  YOU DO NOT RETIRE FROM YOUR HOBBY.  

For the last year I have been WRITING.  This I am happy to say came as a direct result of notes on almost every subject imaginable which I had been recording in my computer. Most of this came as a direct result of some empty time in which to think, and the computer became my sounding box.  It proved to be such a   convenient outlet for all of these  imaginings and contemplations. 

The addition in my life of this motivation is in itself  such  a blessing.  Creating had always been my major interest and occupation:   I painted and did my art work fine, but this presented a new and very much appreciated  challenge,  learning experience and  an   artistic endeavor as well.   As an additional benefit it introduced me to, and I gained a new appreciation for,  the computer. I actually broke down and bought my own computer. First of all it became the ideal repository for a great deal of printed material. As a further benefit it resolved  the need for  an outlet for all this creative effort - that would include the art work as well .  it enabled me to set up a blog in response:  nerickson57.com. This way it can also be shared and read with personal discretion and  convenience  It also is an excellent solution as a storage tool capable of secreting an impressive accumulation. Unfortunately this is only of partial benefit when it comes to my physical type variety.  I might even discover something good with all this thinking, writing and blogging;  something even “outside the box”.

 You don’t know what you’ve married until you retire.

The library was a distraction:  It took me out of myself.

I don’t really think I lost my identity when I retired. I don’t really equate my library  involvement and hence identity with those other so called rather onerous excuses for identities: “being someone’s wife”, or “ being someone’s mother meant to describe  one’s sole identity.  This  thinking is probably rather antiquated.  The thought that I may have lost my identity when I retired  is a bit of an exaggeration  and is no problem actually.  I have always had plenty of identities all on my own:  retirement was just a matter of retooling.

A statement made by Tarquin Hall in his novel “The Case Of The Deadly Butter Chicken”. “Retirement is a kind of surrender:  life should be a fight to the death”.  (Amen!)   On a lesser but an equally egregious scale,  could it even be considered a defeat?

HOBBY ALERT

Ann Tyler says:   ” I have to go on writing just because I have no hobbies.”  Now that’s just a terrific bit of insight and incidentally very well expresses my own situation.  I came in to this arrangement with the disadvantage that I was, in an oblique manner, actually  retiring from  said Hobby.    

What I was retiring  from  was THE HOBBY.

 The first thing I had to do was accept the fact that I no longer had one – a hobby that is.  Once I had accepted that fact I was left with the reality of a rash of unfettered time and my choice of any so called  “make work” which struck my fancy.  This was not a pleasant proposition.  The logical next step was to find an alternative or by replacing it with another hobby. 

I was  well aware of the popularity of the idea of “hobby” as a retirement goal:  something  along the way of “ …to do what makes you happy or what you’d like to do or what you’ve always wanted to do but never had time… also perhaps something you’ve always wanted to do as a job replacement… blah, blah.

 It would seem that the addition of a hobby or two would not be remiss and probably one  of  the  first things one is meant  to do. 

 I have to admit I had a rather snobby attitude about hobbies so I had to convince myself  that they could actually be beneficial and even desirable, and  accept the fact that  it  was not a bad thing.  I’ll just have to put some time and attention into  identifying, developing and whatever else was needed to make one palatable.

I never had given the subject much thought; It was however apparently lurking in the back of my mind and would surface when appropriate. 

That appropriate moment came, Like most of my thoughts, right out of the blue.  I was in the midst of some vague unformulated   thinking on multiple subjects when it suddenly occurred to me that I had neglected to count jigsaw puzzles or crossword puzzles when I set down my list of preferred activities.  It’s strange I had forgotten them, as they are basic elements of my routine.

 As they came to mind   I realized quickly how inappropriate they were in the context of hobby material.  They were missing something important.   They just didn’t seem to deserve or warrant being thought of as such,   but why not? What’s the matter with them:  If  they aren’t hobbies, what are they?

 Okay, what exactly is a hobby? And with that the subject took off on its own.  I had no idea it was such a complex issue until I started thinking about it…..and then it exploded. 

What attributes might be considered appropriate for a hobby?   I ran through a list of possible adjectives:  “life sustaining or enhancing”.  That certainly does sound formidable enough but perhaps a bit too much so.    Maybe I’m being too picky.  How about “something to get passionate about” -get a grip-maybe that’s too much commitment.  Ah hah – commitment: that’s not bad.   A mental, emotional, personal commitment maybe?  

With that I got truly esoteric:   Life enriching and augmenting; a purpose in life, a drive. Something to get passionate about?   And maybe as a last ditch scenario, how about as a DISTRACTION? or “as a preoccupation”.

Stop the press!  I think I’ve got enough adjectives to float a boat.  To simplify how about this:  Anything in which you invest a great deal of time, energy and heart with or without remuneration.  

How many activities are actually impressive enough to fit in to any of those categories?

I came to realize that what we choose to call a “hobby” is essentially a personal decision.  One person’s hobby can be another person’s most hated activity.     Any satisfying hobby would be a deliberate, mental, emotional, and personal commitment which had been perceived, created and intended as such.

There should be an appropriate one out there for me.

How about traveling as a hobby?  Too much effort, too much expense, but it’s a lovely occasional addition.

Could “thinking” be considered a hobby?  S’pose so - it can certainly be a passion. 

 It was about this time that I realized I didn’t have time for one anyway.

 I now feel  acceptably  well qualified  to designate an appropriate  sobriquet to my puzzles (mustn’t forget my favorite Sudoku) …… I came up with the term “PASTIMES”. They are certainly adequately time consuming; they are a part of a routine and they are without a doubt commitments but that’s where the comparison must end.  There is no ameliorating quality here, none whatsoever, but I do so enjoy their company.    I am pleased with that designation.

While I was at it I thought of other appropriate activities that could be useful and acceptably time-intensive alternative occupations to take on during one’s leisure moments.  These might include:  volunteer: a cause, perhaps a charity or public service; Enrichment classes; Crafts – (as I consider some of this as “work” I almost forgot their possibilities); Sports perhaps Yoga I apparently was prepared to neglect; special interest organizations loaded with like- minded people for friendship and companionship,   You could always become an entrepreneur – set up your own business.. now I am hallucinating,  but why not.  It’s definitely possible.

Oh, and that lovely suggestion I had about getting involved in organizations of like- minded people. YES, that’s just super dandy,   but I’ve had my fill of that enough to know that I truly don’t like organizations.  That one I shall scrap.

There are just tons of possibilities now that I think of it.

That so called list, the one in which I purportedly enumerated activities of my free time, was lacking another absolute necessity.   It took a long time coming – way too long a time:   Reading!  READING?  I cannot believe it took me so long to remember this one, most  probably because in my life it is so taken for granted.    It’s much more ubiquitous an item than the three puzzles.  It’s surely not a pastime, not a hobby either, so into what category might I fit it?  Actually I think  I’d say it  contains  any or all of those attributes combined.  How could I possibly have been forgetting it? It’s like breathing to me:  It’s my life, and that’s no exaggeration.

I stated at one point that I was ”hobbied”  out, but guess what,   I really don’t have any hobbies at all.  But I sure have more pastimes and fun interests than you can shake a stick at. 

So never mind – I’ve become busy enough, thank you.  As it has turned out I actually seem to have no need for all this advice and insight myself.  I think the primary benefit for me was to prove the truth and convince myself that I have a very excellent set up and nothing additional is needed.  Remember, I’ve been liberated.

I have however come up with a very good list of ideas and I have hope that all of this soul searching and effort may in some way prove of benefit to others who might find themselves in the same predicament as did I;  finding themselves with a great deal of aimless , “make work” time,  and no adequate support for finding a solution.

Warning:   it could impinge on that basic and wondrous attribute (of being retired) that I discovered:  LIBERATION.     In that case, forget it. 

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IT SEEMS THAT THE PROCESS OF RETIREMENT  IS ONE HUGE ADJUSTMENT

And with that in mind

it is time for SOME ACTUAL EFFORT

AN

 HOPEFULLY EVEN

A BIT OF PROGRESS:

 

Eventually I saw the light,  picked myself up by the boot straps,   primed the pump,  and I was off……..

The momentous event that gave me the requisite JUMP START & PUMP PRIMING I  needed occurred as  I was perched in my customary spot,  upon  a bar stool at the kitchen counter and feeling a bit morose when I was struck  by a flash of inspiration; I just had   to do a  drawing of a plant which happened to be sitting on the counter in front of me.   I proceeded to produce the colored pencil sketch that ultimately was the necessary push I needed  to get  me started  in to a period  of intense creative activity that not only got me out of that bit of depression and aimlessness, but will likely serve me for the rest of my life.  It just took a bit of a shove and a jab to get me started. Actually it reminded me of my primary role in life;  doing fine art.  I hadn’t done any of this in any significant amount for some time primarily due to its need for large segments of uninterrupted time which I did not have.  This was indeed a welcome “wake up” call in more ways than one.  The real value of this “flash of inspiration” business  can not be overstated/estimated –my life is liberally sprinkled with such fortunate incidences. For this I am very grateful as I am well aware of the  immense value such episodes have for me. I am well convinced it’s what keeps me going, keeps my brain active and alert. 

I felt sufficiently loaded with energy and inspiration to locate and embark on a multitude of time, energy and intellectually inspired pursuits that would serve to keep me occupied for a significant amount of time. 

Fun stuff first:  This consisted of all the half done or  barely started jobs  I happened to have lying around   forever just waiting until I had free time to affect their resolution.    

 One of these, and an enormous job it was, was the transcribing and putting into order all the material I had lurking in my computer.  This consisted of a melee of ideas, thoughts, opinions,   all kinds of collected minutiae that I’ve been diligently plugging in to the computer.   This amounted to wads of uncoagulated material.  I encountered a reference involving the issue of how the computer has become my life. If I said that during this period I had a good reason:  what a job.

 By June 2016  this processing had evolved in to  composing essays – an activity essentially unfamiliar to me and I am very pleased to have this opportunity and experience.  The essays which transpired from this effort   needed a more formal repository and outlet. For his purpose I was encouraged to “launch” (admittedly this is a fine technical term but sounds a bit pretentious for me and my level of effort) a blog.    Whatever I did,  the result was a new toy: my very own  blog.  As I mentioned earlier, but as a reminder – never hurts - nerickson57.com.  This in turn has meant a lot of technology issues to unravel.  Altogether this is a very time consuming and intense occupation – computer prodding– so a vast success as a solution for to what to do with my “make/spare” time:  quite adequate to keep me out of tons of trouble.

Another mega project has been the downsizing, decluttering, and moving stuff around the house.  I do enjoy this but I tend to quickly run out of steam –it uses up my decision to throw out steam very quickly so I can only partake of this activity in short spurts.  Big discovery:  there really is a limit as to how much of this is actually desirable– emptying the pantry, for instance, has elements of the impractical – pantries are there for a reason.  The same can be said for closets. I guess one just has to compromise.

Book shifting – this is a given and fortunately always available and comes with   guaranteed satisfaction- so many happy surprises and rediscoveries.

 All this is possibly a hidden asset and comes as a direct result of collecting things – there is always something to move or remove or dialogue with for that needed boost towards a sense of accomplishment.

LIBERATION The more I think about it the more of an asset I see this is.  I might even consider it&&&&& a – TITLE EVEN. a SLOGAN or a  KEYWORD at least. 

June 2016  and the title is now LIBERATION Now isn’t that a hopeful note.

I had this up top but I decided it took away from my basic theme: it’ll just have to be happy here.  I still consider it arguably the very most important element of this particular equation and the logical companion to any retirement.

It does come with a caveat however, as apparently do all good things.

As for “time constraints” and the lack thereof;  there are no longer ANY job priorities.  There is altogether perhaps too much “you can do anything you want”.     It comes as a direct result of implied unregulated free time. And contains the need for an essential response, the need to develop self- discipline some form of “time management”.   Establish at the very least at least a minimum of schedule priorities.

Suddenly ones TIME MANAGEMENT is no longer a responsibility of ones place of employment.  Decisions of this nature   are left up to personal discretion and choice.  I was very poorly prepared for this state of affairs. Life at the Library by necessity ran by use of a very strictly regulated schedule.  Time discipline was of the essence in order to meet our public service needs.   This had to have had some impact on me.  Could this result in a higher sensitive and insecurity when confronted with much uncommitted time?  Perhaps I am more dependent on schedules.  I know I am extremely committed to being on time. 

Now I am left to my own devices and decisions are entirely up to me;  no longer to  my job,  not to my family---me.  I must establish my own guidelines for living…it’s my life, all mine.  Identifying and performing an agenda can prove tricky and requires self- motivation, energy , will and determination.  It may be that you can do anything but there’s still a need to discern  and  impose some few restrictions and schedules. This is not easy.   It is important to establish priorities.    (In the past my priorities favored the household needs, my own interests and desires have tended to come last.  This is obviously not ideal, is not necessary and is unfortunate.   Overcoming this problem should be a primary goal as I pursue the process of rearranging my schedule.) 

 Fortunately or thankfully I feel energetic:  Maybe too energetic.  All this energy can end up in scattering/splintering  objectives.   As only the presence of the unstructured definitely can have this result. I can easily find myself scrambling around trying to keep my head above water in order to tie up all the loose ends. Mostly I have been able to keep this under control. Another consideration on my part is the fact that   I have always assumed I work better under pressure.   That as a motivating factor is no longer even partially present.     I don’t know what affect, if any, this will have.

Identifying and performing an agenda can prove tricky and requires self- motivation, energy, will and determination.  Maybe you can do anything but there’s the need to discern and impose own restrictions/schedule. This is not easy.  The presence of the tendency towards the unstructured can. It is important to establish priorities.  Fortunately or thankfully I feel energetic:  Maybe too energetic.  All this energy can have the effect of scattering and splintering objectives (I’ve just discovered that as an issue in Sudoku where being methodical is of prime importance.  This was a very good hint) .   I can easily find myself scrambling around trying to keep my head above water, tying up all the loose ends. Mostly I have been able to keep this under control. Might I say I’ve learned some TIME MANAGEMENT;  this is always a good thing.

The most important time issue for me is its effect on my artistic creation. Time constraints can be a real detriment containing major negatives.  My experience has been that they create a very undesirable pressure in relationship to the question of finishing for the day.  The pressure can result in false moves and careless work the undoing of which means extra toil, tribulations and stress.  Backing up on a piece is definitely not recommended and can actually guarantee an unsuccessful result/outcome.  That is so bad for the artistic temperament I don’t even want to mention it.  I now have learned  to take extreme caution.   I am very careful now to leave the current project when I am as positive as is humanly possible that it is entirely under control.  If I’m not absolutely certain of that I obsess so bad I can’t concentrate on anything else.  When I became more time committed -with the Library I had to accept that situation as well as the fact that I couldn’t deal with it.   The bottom line was that I quit the serious art stuff (this was primarily watercolors) but to be fortuitously replaced it in with other forms of art work and eventually with my library cartoons which are, in a very small way at least, an acceptable replacement as well as a delightful record of my time there as well as a substantial part of my image as an artist.  The bottom line here is that freedom from time constraintspermits me to do my art work with more ease and satisfaction. 

 This looks like a very good example of a perceived negative being replaced by an unexpected but advantageous positive.